We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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