He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize