I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
