i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
