Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize