I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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