Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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