I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
