good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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