u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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