life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
