Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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