I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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