Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
