Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
