I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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