I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
