I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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