there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize