after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
