if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
