I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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