There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize