just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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