Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
