Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
