Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
