Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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