i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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