I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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