Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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