I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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