I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
