If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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