I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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