Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
