it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
