god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
