Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
