went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
