I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
be right there i have to get my cape
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize