Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
