I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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