Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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