She tied me up with her honor cords...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
