just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
