Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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