Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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