im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
