They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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