So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
