2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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