I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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