I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
