I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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