I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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