I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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