so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize