Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
