The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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