Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
