Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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