you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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